A Time Lived Incomplete

Three years ago I seriously had it all.

An amazing relationship that was equal give and take, mutual respect and a love so deep most people can’t comprehend the feeling. My children were flourishing, excelling at school, sports and everything they did. We were in the process of buying a house and had planned out our entire future.

Most of all, work was amazing. I was running and growing several very successful businesses. Each one had it’s own challenge but there was never anything I couldn’t handle and make right.

Each day I’d go into the office with the confidence and deep knowing that anything that came I’d be able to handle. I would take charge of every situation and really know that what I was helping to create was something great. I had no doubt that everything would keep growing and evolving, and the business would continue to increase.

The personal power and confidence that I felt in my life was completely rewarding and empowering. I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t be able to handle with ease and success.

And then out of no where it all came to a stop.

The morning I found Mike, my partner, unresponsive in the house changed me to my core.

I immediately felt incomplete, powerless and ultimately like all of who I once was, left with him.

I felt like I had lost all control of my life and the direction it was going.

I went from being a creator of what I wanted, to just a silent bystander; observing my world but never engaging.

Frankly, I didn’t want to engage.

I didn’t want to participate in any part of this so called life I was now living.

The fire that once burned inside of me was now totally gone.

The passion that I had once lived each and every day with, could’t be found.

The joy and satisfaction I felt from running my once cherished businesses was not even a thought in my head or heart.

I felt like I couldn’t control anything anymore and I watched as that feeling turned into my reality.

I returned to work just eight blurry days after Mike’s passing, but it was ever the same. Not only was I a broken person, but the business had become broken in my absence.

You see, while I was dealing with my own life crumbling, one of the businesses was doing the same. A tragedy had struck while I was gone and it was beginning to mirror my own life.

I spent the next 8 months watching my boss, the founder of all of the businesses I built, slowly start tearing them down around us brick by brick. I was so tired, so lost, so changed, that I couldn’t find the will or the energy to keep fighting to keep together what I had spent several years helping to create.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t return to work and sit and do nothing, but my passion, my fire and my accomplish anything for success mentality that I once had was gone.

I didn’t have the energy to fight for something by myself.

I didn’t have the desire to overcome all the odds stacked against us and reshape my boss and the business.

I didn’t have the drive to work for something that no longer spoke to my beliefs, that no longer gave me passion and that was turning into something I didn’t believe in.

But the most amazing thing that happened after those 8 months were the changes in myself.

Instead of telling people what I was going to do, I began asking permission.

Instead of knowing who I was and what I was doing I began questioning everything.

Instead of confidently speaking my mind I became uncomfortably silent.

Instead of being a go getter, making goals, planning and achieving them, I began letting life dictate my path.

I did a lot of hoping and very little trusting.

I did a lot of wishing and minimal action.

I did a lot of questioning and asking other peoples opinions, and very little soul searching.

I followed directions, I followed advice, and for the first time in my entire life, I followed other’s lead.

I gave away every single drop of power that I had created for myself, and I felt LOST.

I was no longer living an action focused life. I was no longer in touch with any masculine based energy and you could see it in the results I was getting and what was unfolding in my life.

What I was embracing however, was all of my feminine self.

I became more understanding of people and the situations they might be facing in their life.

I became more compassionate for every single person I interacted with.

I stopped judging everyone and knew that each one of us were only doing the best we could with what we were given.

I started feeling a lot more deeply.

I became patient and allowed things to play out as they should.

I began to see things for their true beauty and uniqueness and appreciate them in all of their entirety.

I found a new focus for what was important to me and in my life.

I began to write every single day and suddenly found I had so much inside of me that needed to come out, that needed to be heard, and felt and acknowledged.

I began my journey for the search of who I was and for a deeper understanding of the Universe we live in.

But…..

I also spent a solid year of my life making no solid forward movement in by business and my career. I did not reach any of my goals and I saw not a single thing that I wanted to create come to fruition.

On that Sunday morning in February of 2104 I had allowed my situation to take away half of who I was, my masculine self and powers. I had allowed it to transform who I was and stop me from being who I needed to be. I gave away my power, my drive, my knowingness of who I truly was, and it kept me stuck for over a year. But, it allowed me to re embrace my feminine self and all of the benefits of digging deep into my emotions, my empathy and my true understanding for life. It opened my eyes to the necessity of having both masculine and feminine aspects of oneself in order to live a truly successful and satisfying life.